


Arkham Dating Tips

by Headfulloffantasies



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Barbara Gordon is Batgirl, Batmobile, Dating, Dating Advice, Established Relationship, F/M, Terrible Advice, gotham villains - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 10:23:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19944607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Headfulloffantasies/pseuds/Headfulloffantasies
Summary: 5 times villains gave Batgirl and Nightwing dating advice in the back of the Batmobile





	Arkham Dating Tips

5 times Arkham villains gave Nightwing and Batgirl dating advice in the back of the Batmobile.

1\. Harley Quinn.

It was not an uncommon occurrence for the masked vigilantes of Gotham to drive arrested villains back to Arkham. Harley Quinn sat sullenly in the back of Nightwing’s acquired Batmobile. Batgirl was also sullen in the passenger’s seat. Nightwing gripped the steering wheel hard, staring straight ahead at the road. He reached over and flicked the switch to soundproof the cockpit.

“Are we going to talk about it?” He asked.

Batgirl huffed. “Not now Dick.”

“Then when?” Nightwing huffed. “It wasn’t my fault. Two Face was-”

“You skipped out on officially meeting my father for Two Face. How do you think that makes me feel?” Batgirl snapped back. “I know Gotham was in danger, but now I have to deal with my father thinking you’re an absolute scumbag of a boyfriend because you didn’t even call-”

“It’s not my fault!” Nightwing repeated.

Tap tap. Harley tapped her finger against the divider between the backseat and cockpit.

“Are you lovebirds ok up there? I’m a therapist, you know.”

Nightwing glanced down at the controls in horror. He’d accidentally hit the wrong button, broadcasting their conversation to the backseat instead of silencing it.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Batgirl groaned.

“Tell Dr. Harley everything.” Harley sing songed.

“You’re not a doctor.” Batgirl snapped.

Harley leaned forward, pressing her face against the bulletproof glass. Her smooshed nose made it difficult to understand as she offered.

“The best advice I can give a new couple is this: You need to see a person’s dark side before you commit. You gotta find all of their buttons and push ‘me until they explode!” Harley peeled off in wild laughter. “But seriously, you gotta make sure your partner ain’t gonna throw you out a window if you accidentally set them off. And the best way to know is to see them angry. Hit them with a giant hammer! That’s my professional opinion.” Harley leaned back, satisfied.

“You’re not licensed anymore, Harley.” Nightwing reminded her icily.

“So? I still got all that fancy doctor knowledge in my noggin.” Harley banged her cuffed fists against her head hard enough that Batgirl winced.

Harley leaned close again and said to Batgirl seriously. “If he hits you, you hit him right back.” She turned to Nightwing. “That goes for you too, sugar.”

2\. Edward Nigma, the Riddler

The next week Batgirl and Nightwing had the pleasure of driving the Riddler back to Arkham after he blew up a joke and costume shop.

“It’s symbolic of my relationship with the Joker.” He’d explained.

The ride was long and tense until.

“Are you guys being safe during sex?”

Nightwing almost swerved off the road. “What the hell, Nigma?”

“It’s important.” The Riddler insisted.

Nightwing spluttered as Batgirl blushed. “We’re not… we haven’t…”

“Oh. You’re not there yet. I thought you were dating for a while now. You know how Harley talks. Well, when you get there, make sure-”

“Shut up right now!” Nightwing demanded.

“Does all of Arkham know we’re dating?” Batgirl groaned.

“More like all of Gotham by now.” Riddler answered thoughtfully.

Nightwing slammed his forehead against the steering wheel.

3\. Jervis Tetch, the Mad Hatter

The Mad Hatter gave Batgirl the creeps. He was obsessive, of course. And he always stared unblinking at Batgirl when she arrested him. Nightwing and Batgirl caught the Mad Hatter attempting to kidnap a young blonde girl that he’d once again claimed was his long lost Alice. Batgirl was beginning to think every blonde in Gotham should start dying their hair.

“I see you’ve found your Alice.” Hatter said wistfully from the backseat of the Batmobile.

Batgirl stiffened uncomfortably. This was not a conversation she wanted to have. She gave Nightwing an imploring look. He didn’t notice.

“I guess so.” Nightwing answered nonchalantly. He gave Babs a sappy grin. Batgirl could have slugged him.

“Never give her up. Not to anyone!” Tetch snarled with ferocity.

Nightwing glanced at him in the rear view mirror. “What if she decides she doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Batgirl groaned. Way to lead Tetch into a rant.

Predictably, the Hatter started in on his spiel. “You never let her go! She’s yours, bound to you by Destiny. She’ll see, eventually. Her spirit and yours are inseparable. Nothing in the universe can divide you. And if she won’t believe it, you take her and you remind her of the bond between you!”

“Nah,” Nightwing answered. “I think I’ll just respect her wishes.”

Jervis spluttered the whole rest of the trip, but Batgirl was incredibly proud.

4\. Jonathan Krane, the Scarecrow

It was a few weeks before Batgirl and Nightwing were back in the Batmobile with a criminal in the backseat. Scarecrow was unusually talkative that night.

“Do you fear this relationship falling apart?” He asked in his raspy voice. 

“No.” Nightwing said a little too quickly. Batgirl glanced at him from the corner of her eye. Nightwing gripped the steering wheel tighter and clenched his jaw.

“A healthy relationship includes a physical element.” Scarecrow said sagely. "Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac. Are you looking for a way to spice it up in the bedroom?“

"No.”

“Y'know ropes-”

“No!”

“BDSM-”

“No!” Batgirl and Nightwing shouted together.

“I see what the problem is.” Krane said thoughtfully. “You’re not open to new experiences.”

“I’m going to gag you if you don’t shut up.” Nightwing growled.

“Kinky!”

5\. Killer Croc

The long drive from the Gotham Harbor to Arkham was blessedly silent, if a bit tense. The powerful predator in the backseat always made Batgirl nervous. She was never quite sure the Batmobile would be able to hold Killer Croc, especially since she’d seen him hurl full sized trucks over his head once.

The drive went without incident. They pulled up to the gates of Arkham. 

Nightwing turned around in his seat to look at their prisoner. “Y'know Croc?” He said sincerely. “You’re my favourite villain.”

“Nightwing!” Batgirl protested. “He just ate someone!”

“Yeah, but he’s the only criminal who hasn’t offered us dating advice.” Nightwing answered. He gave Killer Croc a cheeky grin. “What do you say, Croc? Got a nugget of wisdom for a happy couple?”

“Communication is key.” Killer Croc growled.

“That’s the longest sentence I’ve ever heard from you.” Nightwing said seriously.

Croc sat in Silence.

+1. Two Face

Harvey Dent was hardly the gold standard for good relationships. Hell, his ex-fiancee had turned into a crazy supervillian plant lady. And his other fiancee left him after his split personalities came into the light. There was, as Nightwing had heard, a long list of broken hearts behind Harvey Dent. And of course, the whole morally corrupt criminal thing going on. No, he was not the guy to take dating advice from.

Harvey leaned in next to his ear and hissed “Kiss her”.

Nightwing did.

**Author's Note:**

> Come see me on tumblr @ https://headfulloffantasies.tumblr.com/

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Advice through Arkham](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23957230) by [Wundersmidget](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wundersmidget/pseuds/Wundersmidget)




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